In a groundbreaking move destined to shape the future of British hospitality, the government unveiled its much-anticipated business rates U-turn for pubs, immediately hailed by critics as ‘heroically underwhelming.’

Speaking outside the Dog & Parliament Arms, Business Secretary Nigel Fencible announced, ‘We’ve heard your concerns, unless you mumbled them. Those who petitioned us by interpretive dance and semaphore had a real impact. As for everyone else—better luck next time.’

Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch, who once attempted to order a pint during a Zoom call, dismissed the announcement as ‘too little, too late.’ ‘Frankly, if pubs wanted our help they should have slipped their complaints under more doors,’ Badenoch said, adding, ‘Maybe next year we’ll consider a Happy Hour exemption.’

Some in the pub industry remain less than jubilant. ‘I celebrated by raising prices 50p out of confusion,’ confessed landlord Barry Thimble, ‘but apparently the change means we can now afford two less barrels of existential dread per month.’

Environment Secretary Emma Reynolds explained the process: ‘We’ve listened keenly to those who expressed themselves quietly, through well-mannered grumbling. Democracy only really works when nobody shouts.’

Experts predict the new measures will come into effect minutes after the last remaining rural pub is converted into an artisanal candle shop. Until then, government officials advise publicans to continue their protests, but perhaps this time with more jazz hands.