WASHINGTON — Responding to a growing controversy involving the 2026 National Park Service annual pass—featuring a dramatic headshot of former President Donald Trump where natural scenery traditionally resides—park officials have sternly warned visitors against altering the image with stickers, mosaics, or “strategically placed” bald eagle decals.

“National parks are about unity, serenity, and buying passes with whatever face we’re told to put on them,” said Park Service spokesperson Marsha Glenning at a press briefing Thursday. “Defacing Mr. Trump’s visage with stickers, googly eyes, or depictions of actual national parks undermines the solemn purpose of this pass: getting through the entrance gate and confusing raccoons.”

The decision to feature Trump’s face—a move officials said was done through the democratic process of “listening to whichever donor was loudest”—has sparked a sticker rebellion. Passholders have reportedly covered Trump with everything from Smokey Bear to the original Old Faithful geyser, prompting the agency to threaten to void any adulterated passes. “If your pass shows Trump surfing Half Dome, it becomes a commemorative coaster, not an entry ticket,” Glenning clarified.

Some see the sticker protests as a grassroots movement. “If I wanted to see a former president, I’d go to Mount Rushmore,” said Yellowstone visitor Steve Frond, whose pass depicts a hand-drawn bison moonwalking over the ex-president’s face. “Let the parks be about scenery or, at the very least, about snacks.”

Plaintiff Harmony McSween, representing the group Parks Not Politicians, found the official policy bewildering. “They say don’t cover Trump’s face, but the trail map literally tells you where to find the nearest bear. Which is it? Nature or narcissism?”

In related news, the Park Service is considering offering next year’s passes featuring an interpretive collage of Alexander Hamilton, Smokey Bear, and a QR code that leads directly to a survey about how offended you are.