At a surprise press conference Wednesday, former President Donald Trump declared that the United States will enjoy complete control over Venezuela’s oil—”and possibly its weather patterns”—for the foreseeable future, thanks to what he described as an exciting new partnership with Caracas.

“The Delcy Rodríguez administration is doing everything we tell them to do, which is a refreshing change. I wish my staff listened the way they do,” Trump said, gesturing proudly to a map of Venezuela now labeled ‘Gulf Coast 2.0.’

When pressed for specifics, White House Energy Liaison Rick McSpindle clarified, “It’s very simple: They give us the oil, and occasionally we send them some American democracy tips, like how to gerrymander districts and pick flattering lighting for televised speeches. It’s a win-win.”

Venezuelan spokesperson María Enriqueta bravely read a pre-written statement, assuring the public, “Venezuela is honored to have the US in charge of literally everything. Our national bird is now the bald eagle, and we are hoping for a Chili’s to open in Caracas by next spring.”

The new arrangement reportedly includes a provision requiring all future Venezuelan elections to be held inside Houston’s Reliant Stadium, with free oil changes for all registered voters.

“We look forward to many years of seamless cooperation,” Trump concluded. “And if Venezuela messes up, we’ll just change the password to the oil.”