TEHRAN—Centuries-old tradition met modern inconvenience this week, as once-loyal bazaar merchants in Tehran declared a state of emergency upon discovering that rug sales can no longer be traded for reliable internet access, Amazon Prime membership, or even a half-decent cup of imported Starbucks.

Ardashir Mahmoudi, a third-generation rug salesman, stood atop a stack of unsold kilims to deliver a bold message to Iran’s ruling clerics: “When my grandfather shouted at customers, he had real power! Now, they all pay with QR codes and ask about free delivery to Germany.”

The historically influential bazaaris, formerly known for setting the nation’s political compass and cornering the market on saffron, now find themselves under siege from online shopping, inflation, and a government price checker named Reza who insists on scanning every pomegranate. “These days, customers negotiate with Google reviews, not with us,” lamented spice vendor Fatemeh Hajipour, who added that even her store’s mascot camel has switched to Uber Eats.

Demonstrators in the bustling Grand Bazaar carried banners reading ‘Bring Back Barter’ and ‘More Power to the Mustache’ as security forces nervously eyed their vintage cash registers. Government spokesperson Akbar Rastegar assured citizens that the situation was under control: “We are launching an app to help merchants sell nostalgia directly to millennials. It comes with a complimentary tax audit.”

As authorities scrambled to quell unrest, one elder merchant summarized the crisis: “If the bazaar falls, who will teach the youth the ancient art of haggling over counterfeit Adidas?”