Des Moines, IA — Chaos erupted Saturday night at the Wells Fargo Arena when the highly anticipated “Mites on Ice” exhibition devolved into what analysts are already calling “the most passionate display of hockey fundamentals since the 1974 Stanley Cup Finals.”

The match, featuring local 7-year-olds from the Des Moines Mini Icicles and the Westside Bladez, was intended as family-friendly intermission entertainment during an Iowa Wild minor league game. Instead, thousands of fans were treated to a full-scale brawl after referee Timmy “Whistleblower” Parsons, age 8, failed to call a tripping penalty against notorious enforcer Jimmy “The Tooth” O’Malley. Witnesses say the incident quickly escalated as hockey sticks, shin guards, and entirely unfounded allegations of “cooties” were hurled across the rink.

“This is what hockey is all about,” said proud parent and former junior league coach Bob ‘Rink Rage’ Matheson, as he attempted to reattach his son’s frozen glove with a juice box straw. “Teach ‘em young, I always say. If you can’t throw a decent left hook in the neutral zone by second grade, why even lace up?”

League officials have confirmed that several National Hockey League scouts, impressed by the “raw, unbridled aggression,” approached participants with multi-year contracts on the spot. “Jimmy’s cross-check technique is already lethal,” said fictitious Flyers assistant GM Mark Slapchin. “We see real third-line potential.”

As security escorted the remaining combatants off the ice, the crowd broke into chants of “Let them fight!” and “Sign them up!” In a post-game press conference, 6-year-old goalie Riley ‘Ice Brick’ McNamara stated, “You respect the code or you get the cold. That’s puck life, baby.”

The Mini Icicles have already announced next week’s halftime entertainment: “Toddler Smackdown – No Helmets.”