In a move that surprised only those who haven’t read his autobiography, former president Donald Trump announced Thursday that he is now Emperor of Venezuela, following what he called a “totally legal and terrific” extraction of Nicolás Maduro via helicopter and an unlimited Red Bull supply.

Speaking to reporters aboard Air Force One, Trump detailed his new imperial vision: “I’ve always said, if you want something, just take it. Venezuela has the best oil—tremendous oil. Now it’s America’s oil. My oil. Everybody wins, especially me.”

Critics questioned whether the operation was a shocking resurgence of 19th-century expansionism, or simply Trump reading too far into a Risk board game. White House spokesperson Tiffany Goldwater clarified: “It’s not an invasion. It’s not colonialism. It’s Trumpism, which combines the best parts of real estate, game shows, and military coups.”

Economic advisor Chad Biffington announced that US companies, particularly Trump Hotels & Pipelines LLC, would spearhead resource extraction. “Executive suite upgrades will now include unlimited Venezuelan crude and empanada service,” Biffington said, adding, “First 100 Mar-a-Lago members to sign up get honorary Venezuelan citizenship and 10% off coup merchandise.”

International reaction was mixed. British Prime Minister Nigel Farquhar stated, “Frankly, we’re just relieved he hasn’t declared England a new golf course yet.” Meanwhile, newly unemployed former president Maduro tweeted, “Does anyone have room on their couch?”