GRAPEVINE, TX—In a daring display of corporate innovation, GameStop announced this week it will supercharge its path to a $100 billion market cap by shutting down over 400 stores nationwide, with plans to eventually eliminate all physical locations by 2026 and “operate entirely on vibes.”

CEO Ryan Cohen explained the strategy in a memo to investors: “Our data shows an inverse correlation between the number of open stores and our stock price. The fewer the stores, the higher we go. By 2027, we could be the world’s most valuable company with literally zero revenue.”

Industry analysts have lauded the move as a masterclass in cost-cutting. “GameStop has been struggling with foot traffic for years, but now they’re bravely eliminating the feet,” said retail consultant Sandra Wexler. “It really simplifies things.”

Employees were less enthusiastic. “I came to work and found the front doors welded shut with a note that said, ‘Good luck, champ,'” said former store manager Kyle Jeffers. “Honestly, it’s the most communication we’ve gotten from corporate in months.”

Cohen is reportedly set to receive $35 billion in stock options if the plan succeeds, according to the SEC. When asked what would drive future revenue, he mused, “We might sell NFTs of our old mall leases. Or perhaps, if we believe hard enough, money will simply manifest.”

As the last customers wandered the game-less, echoing corridors of their local GameStop, a faint hope lingered that one day, the chain would return as a pop-up kiosk in the parking lot.