Beijing—Chinese officials announced Thursday that their 2025 trade surplus hit a new record, prompting the government to consider purchasing not only a sizable portion of the Midwestern United States, but also several cumulonimbus formations and a large deposit of abstract hope.

Despite new Trump-era tariffs described as “spicy but ultimately decorative,” China’s exports surged past the trillion-dollar mark. Economists attribute the record gains to an innovative strategy of hiding entire factories inside slightly larger factories and convincing Southeast Asian, African, and Latin American officials that everything stamped ‘MADE IN PHOENIX’ is just a new kind of agave.

“American tariffs now cost us so much we just build tariffs into our products as an optional feature,” explained Li Qiang, CFO of Guangzhou Export Conglomerate Unlimited. “We export air conditioners, phones, and even the tariffs themselves. You want a 25% surcharge on your blender? That’s extra, but we gift wrap.”

Chinese trade negotiator Wendy Zhang added, “We’ve diversified our client base. The U.S. used to buy most of our steel; now we sell to everyone who owns an email account. We recently shipped 150 million microwaves to a guy named Gary in Botswana. At this point, we’re running out of English words to stamp under the ‘Exported To’ section.”

Meanwhile, American officials sought a silver lining. Commerce Secretary Chip Jenkins assured reporters, “We’re confident that by 2028, American exports of homemade jam and commemorative state spoons will recapture the global market.”

At press time, China was reportedly in final negotiations with several atmospheric phenomena and the Cleveland Cavaliers, citing ‘excellent investment potential.’