In a bold move described as both ‘transformative’ and ‘slightly confusing’, Prime Minister Keir Starmer has unveiled the government’s latest policy innovation: a voluntary-mandatory digital ID scheme. The new plan, which will cost taxpayers a mere £1.8 billion (or, as the Treasury puts it, ‘one-and-a-half HS2 sandwiches’), encourages all UK residents to voluntarily sign up for a digital ID… with the caveat that police will be forced to ask for it at all times.

‘We simply need to know who is in our country, preferably down to the last eyebrow follicle,’ Starmer told an audience of surveillance camera enthusiasts at the official launch outside a local Greggs. ‘Rest assured, citizens can choose to opt in, but those who don’t will automatically be enrolled, fined, and possibly deported to the Isle of Wight as an example.’

Civil liberties groups are hailing the move as a triumph for opt-out activism. ‘Finally, a policy as inconsistent as my stepdad’s Wi-Fi password,’ cheered Big Brother Watch spokesperson Lucy Devices, who immediately flashed her own digital ID for a free meal deal discount.

Meanwhile, Conservative MP Sir Nigel Boundary insisted the government ‘should have gone further,’ suggesting citizens be tattooed with QR codes at birth. ‘If you’re not scanning your nan before Sunday lunch, are you even British?’ he asked, while demonstrating a prototype National Identity Toaster.

The Home Office has denied allegations that the digital ID will be used to track citizens’ every move, clarifying in a 97-page statement that it will only be used to track their ‘most important’ moves.