In a bold move to secure what he called “America’s icy destiny,” former President Donald Trump has launched a renewed campaign to acquire Greenland, claiming that the United States’ national security depends on it and that “two dogsleds won’t cut it against Chinese snowmobiles.”

Trump, speaking at an Iowa Dairy Queen, announced plans to dispatch the Coast Guard’s only operational snowmobile, a 1993 Polaris nicknamed ‘Freedom Glide,’ to patrol the Greenlandic coast. “If we don’t act soon, Greenland could be crawling with Russian penguins and Chinese ice fishermen—very dangerous people, believe me,” Trump warned supporters, between bites of a Blizzard.

Talks between Danish Foreign Minister Jens Nørgaard and Vice President J.D. Vance, held at a Copenhagen Dunkin’ Donuts, reportedly lasted just 41 minutes before diplomatic progress was abandoned in favor of sampling a new maple cruller. “Frankly, we just don’t see the need for American oversight,” Nørgaard said, adding, “We have at least three sled dogs that can bark very loudly if necessary.”

Greenlandic Minister for Illusions, Inga Opdahl, also issued a statement: “We appreciate the offer, but unless the deal includes at least four months of sunlight, we must respectfully decline.”

Despite minimal local support, Trump has announced plans for a new “Trump Ice Palace” resort on the southern fjords, promising “the classiest glaciers, very exclusive—just like Mar-a-Lago, but with a polar bear.”

NATO has yet to respond, though sources confirm Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg is “googling the difference between icebergs and actual land.”