In a bold move merging athleticism, art, and skyrocketing urban anxiety, the NFL announced Wednesday that its new ‘Origins: An NFL Collection’ will pay homage to the Bay Area’s three great traditions: overpriced hoodies, existential fog, and the faint odor of freshly baked sourdough.

The exclusive Super Bowl LX capsule, designed by local visionaries Aaron De La Cruz, BLVCK SCVLE, and Nostalgia, is set to feature such iconic items as the ‘Gentrification Tracksuit,’ the ‘Tech Bro Poncho,’ and a limited edition fanny pack that auto-locks when rent exceeds 4,500 dollars.

“We wanted attire that truly screams ‘I watched the Super Bowl from a $6,000 studio apartment while debating if artisanal coffee counts as hydration,’” explained BLVCK SCVLE’s creative director, Zane Quinoa-Latté. “Our gold-dipped crypto-wallet chain is more than an accessory—it’s a statement.”

The collection also includes a scarf made entirely from fog, a beanie inspired by the city’s 12 microclimates, and a reversible jersey that doubles as an emergency tent. “We wanted to capture San Francisco’s spirit, which mostly consists of mild confusion and a deep yearning for affordable groceries,” said Aaron De La Cruz as he sifted through pants adorned with tiny cable cars and eviction notices.

NFL spokesperson Brenda Blockchain defended the collection’s $1,200 price point by noting, “We believe nothing showcases football’s grassroots heritage quite like a cashmere hoodie that can only be dry cleaned in Palo Alto.”