WASHINGTON—Seeking to calm jitters after the Department of Justice dispatched grand jury subpoenas to the Federal Reserve, Trump economic adviser and noted author of “How to Ignore Red Flags,” Kevin Hassett, confidently assured reporters Wednesday that the extraordinary escalation was simply a routine formality reserved for the nation’s favorite unelected bankers.

“There’s absolutely nothing to see here, unless you count the armored trucks and the DOJ’s impromptu office in the Fed’s break room,” Hassett deadpanned, adjusting a ‘Don’t Audit Me, Bro’ lapel pin. “This is just how the justice system expresses its admiration for good fiscal management—through subpoenas and occasional light waterboarding.”

Jerome Powell, currently balancing the Federal Reserve’s independence with an ever-growing collection of legal documents, shrugged off the investigation. “I spent all yesterday organizing my desk, hiding nothing except my secret stash of commemorative Susan B. Anthony dollars,” Powell reportedly told sources who had mistaken him for a recently indicted member of Maroon 5.

Meanwhile, DOJ spokesperson Linda Gavel denied any impropriety. “We send grand jury subpoenas to all our friends in high places. It’s part of our new ‘Operation Transparency: Subpoena Everyone,’” Gavel explained. “Besides, the real target is the Fed’s vending machine guy, who’s long been suspected of price fixing on Funyuns.”

Asked to elaborate on the supposed ‘Fed renovation,’ Hassett replied, “We’re just spackling over old economic theories with fresh optimism and maybe some patriotic wallpaper. Nothing criminal about that—yet.”