BEIJING—In a surprise announcement Monday, China reported a record trillion-dollar trade surplus for 2025, after finally realizing that absolutely everyone, everywhere, also enjoys getting a 12-pack of phone chargers for $4.99.

Despite the return of President Trump and his signature tariffs, Chinese exporters say they are ‘not terribly concerned,’ having discovered there is, in fact, a vast world beyond the United States filled with eager bargain hunters. “At first, we were worried that Americans wouldn’t want seventh replacement air fryers,” said Li Chang, spokesperson for the Ministry of Relentless Exporting. “But between Nigeria, Brazil, and the Philippines, we’ve shipped enough kitchen gadgets to encircle the planet twice.”

Analysts suggest the surplus might unsettle global markets, but Chinese manufacturers remain unfazed. “Honestly, we thought we’d have to start inventing new kitchen appliances to keep up—so now we sell combination rice-cooker/toothbrushes,” explained Jiang Wen, CEO of Supreme Everything Corp. “If you can heat soup and brush your teeth at the same time, why not?”

American officials remain perplexed. “Our plan to stop imports has somehow caused an international love affair with $3 Bluetooth speakers,” said U.S. Secretary of Confusion Bill Platt. “This is not, technically, in our playbook.”

Asked about the next step, Li Chang shrugged. “We will continue exporting, until every single person on Earth is both fully charged and mildly dissatisfied with their new massager.”