DAVOS, SWITZERLAND—World leaders attending the annual World Economic Forum in Davos were reportedly urged Wednesday to maintain composure and “keep cool heads” as the threat of a catastrophic tariff war with Greenland loomed over global markets like a sluggish iceberg.

British Chancellor Sir Neville Reeves took the stage in a session titled ‘Crisis Management in Subarctic Commerce’ and called for restraint after President Trump floated the idea of punitive tariffs against Greenland, a Danish territory mainly known for its population of 56,000 and a surplus of ice. “I implore my esteemed colleagues to resist the urge to panic-buy sled dogs and narwhal tusks,” Reeves pleaded, calmly folding his arms. “At the end of the day, we’re talking about trade relations with a country whose largest export is a sense of serene isolation.”

European Commission president Ursula von der Leyen sought to allay fears, dismissing Trump’s plan to slap tariffs on Greenland as “an innocent misunderstanding of both economics and geography.” “Perhaps the President believes he can negotiate lower prices for glaciers? It’s been a long winter for everyone,” she remarked.

Meanwhile, prominent US investor Scott Bessent condemned press coverage of the so-called ‘Greenland Crisis,’ insisting global markets were robust against “overblown Eskimo embargo scenarios.”

In a show of unity, Davos attendees joined hands for a symbolic candlelit vigil, solemnly promising to continue buying each other’s frozen fish at reasonable World Trade Organization-approved rates. “If we can’t keep calm over Greenland, what’s next?” asked Canadian representative Linda Maples. “Tariffs on Antarctica?!”