LONDON—In an effort to defuse public concern, Security Minister Dan Jarvis assured MPs this week that the newly approved Chinese ‘mega-embassy’ in central London will offer “clear security advantages,” including streamlined surveillance, improved data harvesting, and a record-breaking number of lanterns.

“Citizens should rest easy knowing that all their movements, conversations, and thoughts will be monitored with the utmost professionalism and courtesy,” Jarvis told the Commons, adding that the 37-floor complex will be equipped with state-of-the-art listening devices, “mostly to ensure nobody is plotting against them, which is really just a matter of international friendship.”

Architectural plans reveal the super-embassy will be visible from space and feature a rooftop pagoda designed for optimal drone launching. In a rare show of transparency, the Ministry released a statement noting, “The embassy will not be permitted to install more than six thousand surveillance cameras in Westminster, unless of course it’s a matter of cultural exchange.”

Foreign policy expert Dame Prudence Flax noted, “This is a win-win for Britain. The Chinese get the data, and we get a fantastic dim sum buffet during annual reviews. Frankly, it’s about time our monitoring was centralized.”

Ambassador Li Wei praised the UK’s trust, vowing to “only share personal details with Beijing and, occasionally, TikTok.” Meanwhile, Home Office spokesperson Reginald Prowse added, “Frankly, our own government hasn’t had time to keep up with all the eavesdropping—think of this as helpful outsourcing.”

The embassy is expected to open next spring, just in time for the annual ‘Celebrate Cultural Surveillance’ festival.