With the 2026 AFC Championship featuring the New England Patriots and Denver Broncos fast approaching, millions of Americans are preparing for the big game by meticulously strategizing how to watch it for free without cable, legal streaming services, or any semblance of dignity.

As broadcasting rights for the game are scattered across 17 different platforms—most of which require a credit card and an MFA-enabled retina scan for a free trial—fans have banded together to devise creative solutions. Many plan to cycle through every available email and phone number combination for new seven-day trials, with some families learning the art of coupon swapping from the 1940s.

“I’ve got six Gmail accounts, two Yahoo, and my dog’s Hotmail account ready to go,” said Waltham resident Pete Reddington, who expects to watch the Patriots play in 17-minute increments before being prompted for a subscription. “If all else fails, I’ll just drive around and look for windows with the game on. It’s tradition.”

Others are resorting to more daring tactics. “My cousin Gary is going undercover as a cable technician just to access the break room TV at the Verizon store,” explained local Broncos fan Sheila Dempsey. “If you see someone in a hard hat duct-taped to a folding chair, that’s probably him enjoying halftime.”

Meanwhile, the NFL remains optimistic. “We are committed to providing broad, equitable access to our product, ideally by 2044,” said NFL Streaming Czar Jeb Nussbaum. “In the meantime, enjoy vicariously through your neighbor’s window or a low-res TikTok livestream from someone named Big_Camron92.”

As kickoff nears, Americans everywhere prepare their laptops, burner phones, and spiritual fortitude for what promises to be a memorable evening of relentless buffering.