Big Daddy's Truth Factory

Trump Announces ‘Kindler, Gentler’ Immigration Raids: Agents Now Required to Knock Politely Before Busting Down Doors

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold move to defuse mounting outrage over federal agents’ recent shooting incidents in Minnesota, President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that future immigration enforcement raids in the state will include ‘up to 30 seconds of polite knocking before tactical entry.’ The policy, which Trump labeled ‘humanitarian,’ will reportedly not interrupt ongoing sweeps, but will ‘make them feel a bit friendlier.’

‘We’re going to de-escalate, just a little bit,’ Trump told reporters from the back of a moving armored personnel carrier. ‘From now on, ICE agents will say, “Open up, please, if it’s not too much trouble,” before smashing through the window. It’s a huge step toward unity.’

ICE spokesperson Chip Hardline confirmed the change. ‘Our agents have been retrained to use their indoor voices for at least the first ten seconds,’ Hardline said. ‘If the suspect fails to appear in a polite and timely manner, full-scale battering ram deployment will resume as normal.’

Despite the shift, federal agents were seen attempting to enter the Ecuadorian consulate in Minneapolis on Tuesday by ringing the bell and leaving a handwritten note that read, ‘Sorry we missed you—please call ICE.’

Local activist Marcia Lindstrom was skeptical. ‘A knock is nice, but it would be even better if they stopped shooting people,’ she said. ‘Or maybe, hear me out, just stopped raiding everyone’s house.’

The White House assured protesters that more ‘de-escalation techniques’ are under review, including the possible use of apology gift baskets containing ‘I.C.E.-brand bottled water’ and coupons for legal aid.

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Buck Mulligan

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