LONDON—U.S. President Donald Trump issued a grave warning to British Prime Minister Keir Starmer on Thursday after Starmer praised the nation’s blossoming economic romance with China, suggesting that the UK’s new trade flirtation might result in heartbreak, spyware, and an overload of affordable electronics.

“If you like cheap phones and weird snacks so much, why don’t you just marry China?” Trump wrote on Truth Social, using what White House aides described as his ‘International Relations voice.’ He further cautioned that any country getting too close to China could wake up one morning to find their breakfast tea replaced by bubble tea and their Parliament converted into a Xiaomi pop-up store.

During his landmark three-hour summit with President Xi Jinping, Starmer hailed a breakthrough in bilateral relations, mentioning “progress” in lowering tariffs and raising the UK’s tolerance for 5G-induced headaches. “It’s not every day you can reduce tariffs and your sense of geopolitical security at the same time,” Starmer reportedly told journalists while sipping from a mug that may or may not have been listening in.

Experts weighed in immediately. “The UK risks becoming a province of Alibaba if this continues,” warned Nigel Bunting, Senior Analyst at the International Crisis Loafers Institute. Meanwhile, Xi Jinping reassured British officials, stating, “We would absolutely never use trade deals to gain access to the location of your sheep.”

Downing Street sources confirmed that next on the agenda will be negotiating TikTok’s official residency in Windsor Castle.