After months of lackluster consumer enthusiasm, economists nationwide confirmed Saturday that the U.S. economy has officially transitioned to a system powered entirely by $5 discounts on LEGO Roses, marginal savings on Google TV Streamers, and the relentless pursuit of free Apple TV Plus trials.

Major retailers, including Amazon, Walmart, and Best Buy, announced synchronized sales on AirPods 4 with Active Noise Cancellation, dazzling analysts with a $60 markdown that, according to sources, has increased national productivity by 0.003%. “It’s not just a pair of headphones, it’s the last thread holding my financial sanity together,” said Brooklyn resident and self-proclaimed Deal Aficionado, April Tindle, as she frantically refreshed her Amazon cart.

Meanwhile, Valentine’s Day plans have reportedly stabilized, as young Americans across the country snap up 120-piece LEGO Rose kits for $9.91—a figure that economists note is ‘nearly matching’ their all-time low, and which relationship experts now refer to as ‘the new love language.’ “Nothing says romance like 120 pieces of Chinese-sourced plastic flowers assembled with existential dread,” commented love economist Dr. Craig Fentner.

Tech experts have also lauded the Google TV Streamer (4K), not for its Dolby Atmos support, but for its revolutionary ‘Find My Remote’ functionality. “It’s changed my life,” reported streaming enthusiast Miguel Alvarez. “I can now watch seven seasons of Ted Lasso without leaving the couch—or my marriage.”

Finally, Apple’s free 30-day TV Plus trial continues to fuel binge-watching and short-term commitment in equal measure. As streaming victim Danica Lowe put it: “I just rotate free trials between fake email accounts. My only real subscription is regret.”