CUPERTINO, CA—In a bold move to cater to Americans’ growing anxiety over choices, Apple announced a $100 discount on the iPad Mini, officially making it the technological embodiment of ‘just right for absolutely no one.’

Heralded as “the Goldilocks of devices” by the Apple marketing team, the 8.3-inch iPad Mini is now available for $399—perfect for customers who find phones too small, tablets too big, and making decisions deeply terrifying. “The iPad Mini thrives in a niche between two other, more popular niches,” explained Apple spokesperson Chloe Dunst. “It’s ideal for people who want to type a novel in Notes, but only if every sentence is riddled with autocorrect errors.”

Early adopters are thrilled. “I’ve always dreamed of a device that slips into a cargo pocket, but not a normal pocket, so this is a huge win,” said self-styled efficiency expert Brad Luttle, adding he plans to lose the Mini in his couch cushions for the full Apple experience.

The latest Mini boasts the not-quite-latest A17 Pro chip, allowing users to run multiple apps while asking Siri to explain why they didn’t just buy a regular iPad. “With the iPad Mini, I can video chat, play limited games, and even edit a photo, as long as I don’t try too hard,” said freelance illustrator Dana Klem. “It’s truly the future of not-quite-enough.”

Sources say the iPad Mini is also the cheapest way to access Apple Intelligence, an artificial intelligence system that, according to Apple engineer Mark Firth, “helps rewrite student essays and create emoji no one asked for.”

Experts predict a surge in sales among indecisive shoppers, tech reviewers, and toddlers who accidentally select the wrong product on Amazon.