WASHINGTON, DC—In a solemn ceremony at the White House Thursday, President Donald Trump greeted a group of persecuted Christians from around the world, reassuring them that “no one has ever welcomed Christians as tremendously as I have. Not even Jesus got this kind of reception.”

The visiting group, representing nations from Eritrea to Myanmar, was led through the East Wing’s Hall of Religious Freedom (formerly the Hall of Tax Breaks) before being seated beneath a portrait of Trump shaking hands with a cardboard cutout of Billy Graham. The president personally handed each guest a limited-edition, gold-plated ‘Make Christianity Great Again’ hat and a voucher for half-off at the White House gift shop.

“I was in prison for my beliefs. Now I am here, and I have a keychain with Trump’s face on a cross,” said Pastor Samuel Okafor, confused but grateful. “It’s not exactly freedom, but the parking validation is very helpful.”

White House Press Secretary Alexa Karmichael clarified the administration’s efforts, stating, “No other administration has given persecuted Christians so many accessories, commemorative pens, or replacement bibles. Our gift basket budget has quadrupled.”

At the reception, President Trump announced the creation of ‘Persecution Awareness Mondays,’ encouraging all Americans to wear crosses the size of dinner plates in solidarity. “These Christians have suffered enough,” Trump declared. “Now, thanks to me, they’re suffering American hospitality. And probably the White House cuisine.”

According to White House officials, next week’s event will welcome persecuted Wiccans with a coupon for 30% off broomsticks at the White House Holiday Store.