WASHINGTON — The House of Representatives plunged into crisis Sunday as Representative Thomas Massie (R-KY) called for Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick to resign, citing the secretary’s failure to check the little-known “I Accidentally Knew Epstein” box on federal ethics forms. Lutnick, a steadfast Trump ally and noted Patron Saint of Networking Events Gone Wrong, faces mounting pressure after new revelations that, at some point between 1992 and 2016, he may have attended a fundraiser attended by ‘a man who could possibly have been Epstein’s third cousin.’

“Frankly, Howard has a lot to answer for,” Rep. Massie told CNN’s Inside Politics while clutching a blown-up screenshot of Lutnick smiling near a shadowy, balding figure. “I co-authored the Epstein Disclosure Act to prevent precisely this kind of casual social mingling from destroying the nation. How can America trust a man who may have stood near someone accused of standing near Jeffrey Epstein?”

According to sources, the Commerce Department’s annual ethics seminar now includes a 45-minute module called “How Not to Accidentally Know Epstein.” Several officials failed the post-test. “Look, you go to enough charity galas in Manhattan, and statistically, you’ll eventually brush wrists with at least one future tabloid sensation,” admitted Undersecretary for Networking Mishaps, Linda Turnbuckle. “We could all be next.”

Contacted for comment, Lutnick responded, “I categorically deny ever intentionally knowing anyone that someone else claims might have possibly been Epstein. I barely know myself.”

Speaker Mike Johnson called for calm, announcing a bipartisan House Working Group to investigate the ‘Spooky Friends of Billionaires’ epidemic. “If we’re not careful, we’ll discover we all know somebody who knows somebody,” Johnson warned in a somber tone.