PARIS — In what legal experts are calling “France’s most ambitious attempt yet at irony,” nine elite members of the riot police’s Compagnie Républicaine de Sécurité (CRS) stared blankly at a Parisian courtroom Tuesday as prosecutors revealed the shocking revelation that excessive use of truncheons on peaceful demonstrators is, in fact, frowned upon in some circles.

The officers, identified only by their first names and middle initials (because France cares about privacy, unless you’re protesting), allegedly pummeled gilets jaunes demonstrators who had made the rookie mistake of sheltering from tear gas rather than running directly into it. Witnesses claimed the officers “repeatedly struck non-hostile protesters,” a move one legal analyst described as “boldly traditional.”

CRS officer Jean-Luc B. appeared confused by the proceedings, stating, “It has always been my understanding that French democracy is best protected with batons. I was simply upholding a proud and totally not-problematic tradition.”

A union spokesman, Philippe Romain, defended his colleagues. “Beating protesters is a cherished part of French culture, like strikes or burning cars to show affection. If anything, these officers should be promoted to the Ministry of Public Smiting.”

Meanwhile, one gilets jaunes protester, Françoise Lemaire, testified via megaphone from just outside the courtroom barricades. “If I had known peaceful assembly meant involuntary chiropractic adjustment, I’d have stayed home and protested on Facebook like a normal person.”

As the trial continues, experts predict that the officers could face a range of punishments, from a strongly worded email to being sentenced to a lifetime of watching Macron speeches on repeat.