WASHINGTON—Escalating tensions between federal agencies and convenience store conglomerates, the Trump administration announced Thursday sweeping ‘diplomatic sanctions’ against 7-Eleven after several Border Patrol agents were allegedly denied service—including but not limited to Nachos and an exclusive Slurpee flavor—at a Minneapolis gas station.

According to sources, agents in full tactical gear were thwarted at the checkout while attempting to purchase Tornados, prompting a rapid response from the Department of Justice and a 2 a.m. presidential tweetstorm. “It is a dark day when America’s finest can’t get a Big Gulp on their watch,” declared acting Secretary of Homeland Loyalty, Buckley Trumble. “We will not rest until every law enforcement officer receives priority access to Rotisserie Taquitos and automatic Hot Dog Rollers nationwide.”

When pressed for comment, 7-Eleven CEO Brenda Popinski attempted to ease tensions: “We remain committed to equal service for Slurpee lovers of all backgrounds—even those who accidentally wear body armor into the store. That said, our policy forbids service to anyone who tries to commandeer the scratch-off ticket dispensers.”

Eyewitness and local cashier Shayna DuMont described the incident: “They said they wanted ‘everything behind the counter’ and I thought they meant my last pack of menthols. Turns out they just really needed caffeine.”

By early afternoon, the White House had threatened to replace all 7-Elevens with federally operated ‘Patriot Pit Stops’ offering discounted Monster energy drinks to anyone reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.