WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark 6-3 decision that sent shockwaves through the Wisconsin dairy lobby and the international mustache wax industry, the Supreme Court ruled Thursday that former President Donald Trump does not, in fact, have unlimited authority to slap tariffs on global imports simply because he woke up cranky that day.

“Suddenly we’re saying the president can’t just invent economic emergencies whenever his golf score is higher than his poll numbers?” lamented self-proclaimed tariff enthusiast and part-time juggler Chuck O’Doul, while furiously Googling ‘What is the Constitution?’ “What’s next? Ban him from taxing Canada for the word ‘eh’?”

The majority opinion, carried to the courthouse in the traditional Box of Overwrought Judicial Opinions, declared Trump’s tariffs on steel, aluminum, and ‘the sneaky fish from Norway’ as ‘spectacularly illegal, even by presidential standards.’ Justice Neil Gorsuch reportedly tried to hand-deliver the decision to the White House on a hoverboard, citing a need for ‘judicial flair.’

Conservative justices Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito, and Brett Kavanaugh dissented, writing in all-caps Comic Sans that “AMERICAN PRESIDENTS DESERVE THE SACRED RIGHT TO TAX WHATEVER STRANGE FOREIGN JUNK THEY WANT.” Kavanaugh added in a footnote, “Also, tariffs should apply to European beer, unless it tastes really, really good.”

As stock markets soared at the prospect of European cars not costing $100,000 per window crank, White House spokesperson Sarah Splotch reminded Americans, “Remember, there’s always an executive order or two behind the curtain.”

Meanwhile, disappointed MAGA hat vendor Carl Tupper issued a statement: “This is a dark day for American headwear and for anyone who ever wanted to pay extra for a blender.”