LONDON — The British government announced Thursday that negotiations with the US over looming trade tariffs are ‘progressing positively,’ and that officials are targeting what they call the ‘best possible deal,’ loosely defined as ‘a deal that is technically a deal.’

‘Our aim is straightforward: to secure the absolute best for Britain, even if that means proudly accepting whatever the Americans print on the napkin they hand us at the signing ceremony,’ stated lead negotiator Sir Timothy Forelock, during a press conference delivered from a modest cardboard box outside Parliament. ‘We remain laser-focused on not coming home empty-handed, unless that’s the deal, in which case we will simply call it a “strategic victory”.’

Business leaders have reportedly urged the UK to “double down” on the Economic Prosperity Deal (EPD) — the trade agreement jointly announced by Donald Trump and Keir Starmer in May 2025, which famously included provisions for ‘unlimited participation ribbons’ for British exporters and complimentary MAGA hats for port officials.

‘We can’t afford to walk away from the table. Last time we did that, the Americans took the table,’ lamented Federation of British Industries chairwoman Felicity Fuddle. ‘But we’re optimistic – the word ‘prosperity’ is right there in the title, so it must be prosperous.’

Meanwhile, hopes remain that the negotiations will not impact monetary policy. ‘Trump’s tariff threats are deeply concerning for rate cuts, but on the bright side, this gives us all something else to worry about besides the price of sausage rolls,’ said Bank of England spokesperson Doug Blurby.

Both governments have agreed to keep the public updated on progress, or in the event of complete collapse, to “just quietly change the subject to the weather.”