WASHINGTON, D.C.—Promising to make child care great again by making it completely unpredictable, the Trump campaign announced plans this week to repeal a Biden-era rule that required states to pay child care subsidies using a boring, predictable formula.

“For too long, American families have suffered under child care payments they could actually count on,” declared Trump campaign spokesperson Chester Bulp in a press conference held in the parking lot of a Little Caesars. “We need to return to the good old days when day care subsidies were a mysterious journey navigated by luck, vibes, and the occasional roll of the dice.”

The Biden rule, implemented in 2022, forced states to switch from the classic system of “guess-and-hope” to a payment model that reimbursed providers based on attendance, not just enrollment. Critics say this transparency and stability is un-American. “My heart sank when checks started arriving on time,” lamented Janet Fumbling, a preschool owner in Ohio. “I miss waking up to the thrill of not knowing if I’d pay employees or eat ramen for dinner.”

Acknowledging concerns over fraud, Trump himself weighed in via Truth Social: “Child care payments should be confusing. How else are future Americans supposed to learn the value of suspense?”

Political analysts predict the repeal could create as many as 500,000 new jobs in the emerging field of Subsidy Payment Interpreters, whose only qualification is being able to read ambiguous government paperwork by candlelight.