In an unprecedented act of global outreach, President Donald Trump has announced a bold new policy to welcome white Afrikaners as refugees to the United States, claiming it is America’s duty to save them from the twin threats of ‘sun exposure and perfectly grilled meats.’

During a dimly-lit Oval Office meeting described by South African President Cyril Ramaphosa as ‘one-part séance, three-parts improv theater,’ Trump allegedly presented a VHS tape titled ‘White Genocide: Special Director’s Cut,’ featuring blurry footage of South Africans mowing their lawns and smiling at neighbors. ‘It’s a humanitarian crisis,’ Trump proclaimed. ‘No one should be forced to eat that much biltong.’

Critics have called the policy ‘overtly racist,’ but White House Press Secretary Chad Bramble defended the decision. ‘The United States stands firmly against all forms of perceived barbecue-based oppression,’ Bramble said, while offering guests complimentary mayonnaise sandwiches.

Conservative commentator Rick Danders praised the move. ‘This is a great day for diversity: we’re finally diversifying our white people,’ he said while browsing Cape Town real estate listings. Meanwhile, local South African, Annelise Kruger, seemed less impressed: ‘I’m happy enough here, but if America really does have less sun and free peanut butter, I might reconsider,’ she admitted.

Ramaphosa has requested that future meetings with Trump take place in well-lit rooms and feature no home movies. He remains hopeful that ‘next time, perhaps the president will remember that South Africa is not, in fact, an episode of Survivor.’