PALM BEACH, FL—In the wake of his post-arraignment speech at Mar-a-Lago, former President Donald Trump clarified his decision to verbally attack Judge Juan Merchan and his family, explaining, “I thought we were doing bring-your-family-to-trial day. I always like to be inclusive.”

Political observers scrambled to analyze the logic, but Trump adviser Rudy Giuliani praised the tactic. “Why stop at the judge? I say let’s make this a class reunion. Let’s get grandma, the mailman, everyone. It’s called expanding the jury pool,” said Giuliani while gesturing to a family tree scrawled on a cocktail napkin.

CNN’s Maggie Haberman noted, “Historically, most defendants plead the Fifth or keep quiet. Trump, in a bold legal maneuver, decided to trial-shame the judge’s extended relatives. Experts are calling it the ‘Everyone’s Guilty But Me’ doctrine.”

Mar-a-Lago attendee Tad Remington, still clutching his Trump 2024 visor, was inspired. “When Don attacked the judge’s niece’s dog-walker, I realized this man truly stands for accountability. Especially other people’s.”

Press Secretary Biff Jangle insisted the approach was strategic: “You’re less likely to get a harsh sentence if the judge’s kids are too busy reading mean tweets from the former president. It’s basic law.”

As the judicial system braces for future defendants referencing whole family trees, Trump has reportedly requested his next hearing include a genealogy chart and a megaphone for efficiency.