WASHINGTON, D.C. — Internal records revealed this week that Environmental Protection Agency chief Michael S. Regan met with Bayer CEO Bill Anderson last summer to discuss ‘supreme court action’ over glyphosate, and to clarify for the record which cancers the agency will officially recognize as ‘simply part of the gardening experience.’

According to the EPA’s summary, the cordial June 17th meeting kicked off with jokes about ‘how many lawsuits it takes to kill a weed,’ before moving briskly to the real agenda: quashing the legal complaints of tens of thousands of Americans who allege that Bayer’s Roundup weed killer gave them cancer. ‘We’re always open to a frank discussion about which health consequences should be considered fun, quirky, or just a natural part of American landscaping,’ Regan reportedly told Anderson, while EPA staff presented a pie chart labeled, ‘Tumor Types: Acceptable vs. Whiney.’

Sources say Anderson remained optimistic. ‘At Bayer, we strive for transparency, customer satisfaction, and the right to sponsor Little League teams until the Supreme Court says otherwise,’ Anderson remarked. ‘And if that means filing a few billion more motions, well, we’re committed to seeing this through.’

EPA spokesperson Linda Fentley later clarified, ‘Just because we met with Bayer’s top brass behind closed doors doesn’t mean we’re taking sides. It could have just been a brunch.’

Legal analyst Kip Darnell summed up the mood: ‘This is just standard procedure: giant corporations meet with regulators for friendly chats in windowless rooms, then everyone goes home and sprays their dandelions in peace.’