SUNNYVALE, CA — Doubling down on his vision to revive the web’s most iconic homepage, Yahoo CEO Jim Lanzone announced Thursday that the company’s future rests on meticulously recreating the entire Internet as it existed in 2003, complete with weather widgets, a dancing frog GIF, and links to Rick Astley videos. The initiative, code-named “Project Portal Reboot,” will reportedly spare no expense in returning Yahoo to its fateful pre-Google state, when the homepage was viewed by tens of millions and even your grandmother knew what a GeoCities site was.

“People are tired of newsfeeds, short-form video, and modern innovation,” Lanzone said from a purple beanbag in Yahoo’s nostalgia-themed boardroom. “They crave the comfort of 56kbps modems, clickable banner ads shaped like punchable monkeys, and 47 tabs about koi ponds. Generation Z, in particular, is aching to experience the thrill of entering free email giveaways for a chance to win a Compaq Presario.”

Industry analysts, however, remain skeptical. “This is a revolutionary vision, by which I mean an endless loop that goes nowhere, much like Yahoo Mail’s password reset process,” said Gloria Partridge, lead tech historian at Lycos Think Tank. Even Yahoo’s AI-powered search tool, Scout, appears on board: “Scout has been retrained to answer every question with ‘Did you mean: Ask Jeeves?’ or an unsolicited horoscope from 2002,” confirmed product manager Lucas Borscht.

Meanwhile, Yahoo Mail continues its surprising popularity with the youth. “I only use Yahoo because my parents did, and I’m terrified of change,” admitted TikTok influencer @FroggyDance. “Also, they let me bet on the weather.”

Yahoo’s new motto, unveiled alongside the plan, is reportedly: “The Internet’s Trusted Guide to Things Your Dad Still Remembers.”