In a move financial historians are already calling “the most Italian invasion of Germany since the invention of pizza al taglio,” Milan-based UniCredit has stormed the financial ramparts of Commerzbank with an ‘unfriendly attack’ involving an ever-increasing stake and repeated offers of espresso. Despite impassioned protests from the German government, whose main argument appears to be “Nein, danke,” UniCredit plans to up its shares past 30% and force Commerzbank to merge, possibly against its will and certainly against its interest rate policies.

“At this point, we’ll just merge everything,” grumbled Kurt Weiss, a fictitious Commerzbank board member, during a conference call. “We’re looking at a future where the only thing German about our bank will be the umlauts.”

UniCredit, undeterred, is reportedly assembling a squadron of bankers armed with hostile PowerPoints and complimentary biscotti to convince any remaining skeptics. “We believe in pan-European unity, as long as we remain in charge,” insisted Giovanni Spadaro, UniCredit’s imaginary Director of Aggressive Synergies. “Besides, our spreadsheets are just more stylish.”

Berlin finance officials are preparing countermeasures, including hiding Commerzbank’s headquarters behind a large, inconspicuous Bavarian pretzel. “If they want to find us, they’ll have to get through the Oktoberfest traffic first,” declared Helga Richter, imaginary head of Berlin’s Department of Financial Escapology.

As the €35bn saga drags on, experts say Europe has not seen tensions like this since France tried to annex Belgium by offering free cheese.