In a staggering leap forward for modern mediocrity, tech giants have unveiled this year’s best budget smartphones—sleek rectangles painstakingly engineered to meet the absolute minimum standards of human expectation, all for the low, low price of a used transmission.

The Apple iPhone 17E, described by Apple VP of Core Product Minimization Gloria Fobes as ‘our boldest act of restraint,’ boasts the same A19 chip as the standard iPhone 17, a healthy 256GB of storage, and—excitingly—only one rear camera, as if daring you to care. “We wanted to remind consumers that photography is overrated and perspective is a bourgeois distraction,” Fobes noted at the launch, before veering into a lecture on the dangers of extravagance.

Meanwhile, Google’s Pixel 10A features the identical design and hardware as last year’s Pixel 9A, except the camera bulge is now ‘slightly less offensive,’ according to Google’s Head of Mild Innovation, Mark Hipple. “We could have made it different, but why? People buying budget phones have already accepted disappointments in life,” he explained.

Enthusiasts haven’t been left out, as the Nothing Phone 4A Pro offers a mesmerizing 6.83-inch display in exchange for nothing—quite literally—since it omits wireless charging, most software updates, and, reportedly, the ability to feel joy. Early reviewer Patton Smails remarked, “It’s a phone. It rings. Frankly, I’m not sure what else people were hoping for.”

Industry analysts predict strong sales from consumers eager to save $400—money that can be put toward things that truly matter, like therapy to process owning a budget phone.