With the Premier League season reaching its final stretch, experts confirmed Wednesday that only 12,463 English football teams remain mathematically capable of securing a coveted Champions League spot—provided they win all remaining fixtures, 17 asteroid strikes halt the top four’s progress, and UEFA suddenly implements the new “Merseyside Multiplication Factor.”

While some, like Manchester City, Arsenal, and Liverpool, enjoy clear leads, analysts say hope endures for teams such as Brentford, Luton Town, and even Sunderland Under-12s, who would need a combination of 14 match-fixing scandals, 31-point deductions for all clubs above them, and the sudden disqualification of Manchester United for insufficient TikTok engagement.

“We won our pub league match last night, so if enough other results go our way, I think we’re just 8,000 points off fourth,” explained Gary Winstanley, captain of the Ye Olde Dog & Duck F.C. “We just need Man City to relocate to the Bundesliga.”

UEFA spokesperson Svetlana Frobisher added, “Our commitment to inclusivity means anyone with a dream, and a spreadsheet, can imagine themselves in Istanbul next year. We’re even considering an extra Champions League spot for clubs whose mascots have been featured on BBC Breakfast.”

When pressed, a Premier League official stated, “As long as there’s a theoretical chance, we refuse to give up hope. And anyway, we’ve all got Nottingham Forest at 5000/1 to finish fourth. That’s just good sense.”

As the season nears its conclusion, mathematicians warn that the window for spontaneous black holes swallowing Chelsea’s goalposts is closing fast.