CANBERRA — In a move even bolder than declaring bread is for eating, the Albanese government has shocked investors nationwide by suggesting that homes might be, first and foremost, places for humans to reside—rather than investment Pokémon to be caught, traded, and flipped for maximum capital gain.

The government’s anticipated tax reforms, which suggest taxing property owners like regular mortals, have been met with dire warnings from investors, real estate lobbyists, and one very loud man outside a Bunnings Warehouse. “If you stop treating my third AirBnB like a golden egg-laying goose, the entire economy will collapse!” insisted Chantelle Fothergill, Amateur Landlord and Full-Time Tax Minimiser. “It’s basic trickle-down—if I get slightly less rich, society will implode.”

Prominent property investor Gavin Rentsworth warned, “If these rules pass, I’ll have no choice but to sell my 12th investment apartment, and maybe—gasp—let an actual family live in it. This is socialism, plain and simple.”

However, experts point to Victoria, where similar rules failed to ignite the fiery housing apocalypse predicted by the property apocalypse industry. “Oddly enough, more people were able to rent homes when they weren’t being run as speculative hedge funds,” said Dr. Esmerelda Flats, Professor of Blatant Obviousness at the University of Melbourne.

Meanwhile, the government remains firm. “We understand the confusion,” said Treasurer Jim Chalmers, “but we assure investors: bricks and mortar will still be very brick-y, and very mortar-y, just with slightly fewer yachts for landlords.”

Leaked reports suggest the reforms may also redefine fridges as ‘places to store food,’ a move expected to destabilise the mini-magnet industry.