AMSTERDAM—Dutch officials sheepishly admitted Monday that previous estimates of their nation’s role in the transatlantic slave trade were off by, give or take, nearly three million enslaved people. This revelation comes after new research found that 3.3 million individuals were victims of Dutch enslavement, a number that slightly overshoots the previously cited 600,000—an estimate apparently arrived at during a particularly casual lunch break in 1997.

In a special address from the Royal Palace, King Willem-Alexander confessed, “I want to sincerely apologize. When I said ‘more than 600,000,’ I naturally meant ‘way, way, way more than 600,000.’ This is why they don’t let me do Sudoku.”

Historians, meanwhile, are racing to update textbooks, museum plaques, and awkward apology templates. Lead researcher Dr. Saskia van der Groep explained, “Turns out, we had been using the ‘Dutch Guilt Conversion Rate,’ which accidentally multiplies by 0.18.” She added, “In our defense, have you seen how small our calculators are?”

Minister of Education Pieter de Vos promised swift action. “We previously taught school children that the Netherlands was only moderately terrible,” he said. “Rest assured, our newly revised curriculum will fully embrace our grand historical awfulness.”

To mark the occasion, the Dutch Parliament will reportedly host a National Oversight Day, commemorating previous undercounts in atrocities, pancake recipes, and bicycle thefts. Critics argue the government should have noticed sooner, as, in the words of social commentator Willemijn Slogter, “Any country with a museum dedicated to colonial plundering might want to check its numbers twice.”