WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move experts describe as “both visionary and slightly nautical,” former President Donald Trump has reinstituted the Iran blockade and unilaterally declared the Strait of Hormuz open for business—provided vessels pay a 20% tariff or can recite all verses of ‘God Bless America.’

Speaking to supporters via Truth Social and an impromptu press conference at the newly constructed ‘Trump Strait Plaza,’ Trump insisted, “We will make the Strait of Hormuz great again. Every boat, barge, and kayak—if they want in, they pay up! And if they wear a MAGA hat, maybe we cut the fee. We’re fair.”

White House officials scrambled to update the U.S. Navy dress code, with acting National Security Adviser Jerry Kummerbund confirming, “All service members will be issued new uniforms featuring large gold epaulets and an adjustable captain’s hat with ‘Guardian of the Strait’ embroidered in tasteful sequins.”

Iranian Vice Admiral Qasem Raisi responded, “We are not familiar with the concept of maritime toll booths, but we’d like to submit a Groupon voucher for future consideration.”

Meanwhile, White House Chief of Staff Hope Velour expressed confidence in the plan: “Who else but Trump could privatize an entire body of water and slap his name on it? He’s already designing a loyalty card.”

The Department of Homeland Security confirmed that the first 100 ships to pass through will receive commemorative Trump-branded life jackets and a signed picture of the former president pointing at a map.