SEATTLE — In a bold move to prepare children for the existential despair of adult consumerism, Amazon has put its entire line of kid-friendly Kindles on sale, including the new Colorsoft Kids, now with extra screen colors to distract from the existential void.

Parents everywhere are reportedly thrilled that their children, some as young as three, will finally learn the harsh realities of fleeting deals and the pain of missing out on a $20 coupon. “Nothing says ‘childhood magic’ like making my six-year-old choose between the Paperwhite Kids and the Colorsoft while the clock runs out,” said Melanie Stokes, a mother of three and self-proclaimed Prime Day Survivalist. “I want my son to experience the same thrill and terror I do at checkout.”

All Kids Kindles are identical to their adult counterparts except for a whimsical protective case, extended two-year warranty, and the questionable gift of six months of Amazon Kids Plus. A spokesperson for Amazon, Brayden Tindle, explained, “We believe every child deserves the opportunity to read while staring at a lockscreen ad for adult diapers, but now—with the Kids edition—they can skip that and go straight to the fun of watching Dad sweat over minor pricing fluctuations.”

Industry experts remain divided. Tech analyst Valerie Fong observed, “With 16GB storage and an IPX8 waterproof rating, kids can read anywhere: in the bathtub, the backyard, or during a spontaneous stock market crash announcement. Plus, the Colorsoft supports up to 150 pixels per inch of beautiful, unread e-books.”

Amazon has promised future updates, including a Kindle Kids Pro, which will include a built-in pop quiz about household budgeting.