SEATTLE—In a landmark move that experts are hailing as the single greatest transfer of wealth since Jeff Bezos decided Earth was overrated, Amazon announced Wednesday it will pay customers $309 million to settle the recent ‘No Hassle Returns’ lawsuit by launching all refunds directly into shoppers’ living rooms via high-pressure apology cannons.

The class-action lawsuit claimed Amazon’s legendary return policy was more fiction than fact, with thousands reporting that refunds disappeared into digital ether while customer service insisted, “Sir, have you checked under your sofa cushions for the funds?” The settlement will see affected users showered with $600 million in digital refunds, plus an estimated $309.5 million delivered in the form of commemorative Prime-branded confetti and a vague sense of justice.

“In keeping with our commitment to effortless returns, we’re making refunds unavoidable,” said Greg Snively, Amazon’s Vice President of Customer Placation. “If you hear a loud bang and are suddenly covered in loose change and Amazon smile stickers, that’s just us keeping our promises.”

Consumers are advised to brace themselves. “I just wanted my $12.99 back for a defective potato peeler,” reported class member Marsha Tiddly. “Now I have to explain to my landlord why my living room is filled with Amazon-branded balloons and 300 nickels.”

Competitors are already taking notes. Walmart issued a statement reading, “We too are exploring high-velocity apology delivery systems.” Meanwhile, Bezos was allegedly spotted giggling atop a pile of returned fanny packs, whispering, “Who needs hassle when you have cannons?”