Across the nation, Americans this holiday season are eschewing traditional gifts in favor of more practical offerings, such as promises to Venmo their family members by the end of 2028, or homemade vouchers for ‘one free hug’—redeemable after all interest payments are made.

According to a recent survey by the Institute for Not-So-Festive Economics, 40% of student loan borrowers report that their mountains of debt have left them unable to cover basic needs, much less the cost of a Best Buy gift card. ‘My kids are thrilled,’ said Carla Iverson, 42, a physical therapist with $136,000 in student debt. ‘They know Santa can’t compete with FedLoan Servicing.’

Even Americans with impressive credentials, like Ben Larrimore—a Georgetown and Columbia graduate now earning $120,000 a year—have been forced to embrace austerity. ‘I used to buy my nephew LEGOs for Christmas,’ Ben explained while eating instant ramen in a Tesla showroom. ‘This year, I just gave him the box and told him to imagine the pieces.’

Holiday retailers have responded swiftly to the trend, with Walmart unveiling a new ‘Debt Season’ aisle filled with thoughtfully wrapped envelopes addressed to Navient. ‘We have customers decorating their trees with forbearance paperwork and income-driven repayment calculators,’ said Monica Dillard, Target’s Seasonal Manager. ‘It’s about creating memories—not credit card statements.’

As 2024 approaches, economists predict a surge in the popularity of the phrase ‘It’s the thought that counts, especially when you haven’t made a payment in 16 months.’