As the nation gears up for the epic clash between the Miami Hurricanes and the Indiana Hoosiers in this year’s College Football Playoff National Championship, millions of Americans are embarking on a high-stakes journey: attempting to legally stream the game without descending into subscription purgatory or accidentally learning Norwegian.

According to the official guide released by the NCAA, fans can begin by downloading the WatchSportsMax+ app, then unlocking access by proving citizenship, the ability to juggle, and providing a notarized letter from their childhood football coach. Viewers are then advised to link their account to a select number of approved utility bills and at least three social media accounts, but not more than four, or they risk being redirected to a cryptic live feed of the Norwegian Dog-Grooming Channel.

“This process ensures only the most dedicated fans can access the game,” said NCAA Streaming Compliance Officer Trent Bulwark, adding, “If you somehow land on a deer hunting show in Estonian, just reboot your WiFi and try sacrificing a chicken.”

Miami superfan Brenda Sugarman described her experience: “I’ve completed five of the twelve required identity verifications, and I only lost two credit cards in the process. I think I’m close to seeing the pregame warmups!”

Meanwhile, Indiana follower Keith Modesto reported, “I got stuck at Step 8, which asked me to name all previous winners of the Pulitzer Prize in Chemistry. We just listen to basketball, mostly.”

Experts predict at least 18% of fans will emerge from the process with a two-year contract for Norwegian spa services, but at least 2% will successfully stream the football game if they start six hours ahead.