In a groundbreaking move blending journalism, financial markets, and existential dread, Congress passed the News Wager Act of 2026, mandating that all Americans place a minimum $5 bet on the outcome of any news event they read, hear, or hallucinate.

“Our democracy works best when everyone’s skin is in the game—literally,” explained Polymarket CEO Shayne Coplan, unveiling the company’s new slogan: ‘If You Didn’t Bet On It, Did It Even Happen?’ Coplan was quick to add, “And if you somehow knew about it beforehand, congratulations on your innovative use of information! That’s what makes this country great.”

The new law, which will be enforced by a partnership between Kalshi and the Department of Homeland Security, requires bettors to verify their identity via 23-factor biometric authentication and submit their emotional reaction to each news item for data enhancement purposes. According to White House spokesperson Jenna McRisky, this will “finally eliminate the dangerous gap between news and entertainment, while generating much-needed revenue to fund the investigation into who bombed whom by noon tomorrow.”

Some have questioned the morality of betting on, for example, the next global conflict or Elon Musk’s next Twitter slip. “If God didn’t want us to wager on the planetary collapse, He wouldn’t have given us prediction markets,” reasoned CNBC’s new ‘Bet Desk’ anchor, Travis Unpaid.

Asked about concerns over rampant insider trading, Robinhood CEO Vlad Tenev assured reporters, “Insider trading is just giving the public a sneak peek, like a movie trailer, except the only winner is someone’s uncle who ‘works at the Pentagon.'” Meanwhile, the SEC released a statement clarifying, “We would like to enforce the law but we’ve all got money on whether we’ll do anything about it this quarter.”