SALISBURY, NC—In a bold move that has already inspired at least seven country songs, long-haul truck driver and part-time criminal innovator Dale “Rubber Duck” Winslow allegedly attempted to rob a Fidelity Trust Bank on Wednesday, announcing to employees that he had C-4 explosives and subsequently treating the local police to a high-speed pursuit in a 73-foot Peterbilt semi-truck.

According to authorities, Winslow’s plan began to unravel seconds after he demanded cash, as bank tellers realized he was holding what appeared to be a hastily assembled lunchbox containing nothing but a stick of beef jerky and half a carton of Marlboro Reds. After a brief exchange of gunfire, Winslow reportedly fled the scene by climbing into his clearly marked Winslow Trucking 18-wheeler and methodically merging back onto I-85.

“I’ve never seen such a slow, fuel-inefficient getaway in my career,” said Officer Lisa Petty, who followed the truck for 32 miles at a steady 47 mph. “At one point he actually used his turn signal, which we appreciated.”

“I guess the key to a good heist is subtlety, and maybe not having ‘Dale’s Home Address’ stenciled on your mud flaps,” said FBI Special Agent Chuck Noland, referencing Winslow’s personalized rig. “But it certainly kept things interesting between Greensboro and Charlotte.”

Trucking Association spokesperson Marty “Big Rig” Sanders cited the incident as further proof that the best getaway vehicles are typically smaller than the average Zamboni. “Semis just aren’t built for criminal enterprise—unless your crime is double-parking,” Sanders said. “I’d recommend a Prius or at least an unregistered Toyota Camry.”

Winslow was apprehended at a rest stop after attempting to blend in with three other truckers discussing beef jerky brands. Authorities assure the public the only explosive element was Winslow’s ‘classic Carolina charisma.’