CANBERRA—Australian authorities have taken a bold step in the fight against digital depravity by banning the upcoming ‘Halloween: The Game,’ citing the dangerous presence of ‘incentivised drug use’ while reassuring parents that all head-stomping, face-melting, and toilet-based executions remain, in isolation, totally unobjectionable.

The Classification Board, which greenlit such wholesome family entertainment as ‘Chainsaw Dismemberment Simulator’ and ‘Crocodile Bites Back 3: Flesh Edition,’ drew a line in the sand at the game’s controversial ‘Speed Pill’ power-up, which temporarily lets the player sprint after victims faster. “Here in Australia, we will never tolerate the message that drugs could improve your running time, no matter how many decapitations happen along the way,” stated Board spokesperson Linda Petree. “A toilet head-stomp is a classic part of adolescence, but amphetamines simply go too far.”

Game developer Illfonic expressed confusion at the ruling. “If we’d known cocaine was out of bounds, we would have replaced it with a protein shake or kangaroo meat,” said creative director Trey Vaughn, adding, “We thought the limb-removal mini-game would be the issue.”

Academic Dr. Bruce Waller, author of ‘Stabbing Safely: The Ethics of Digital Violence,’ praised the consistency of the Board. “This sends a clear message: blood-soaked murder is perfectly fine as long as it’s not facilitated by recreational drugs. Only caffeine may fuel a true slasher.”

At press time, the Board confirmed that ‘Halloween: The Game’ would be classified as ‘Unthinkable,’ just below ‘Tattoo Simulator 2022’ and above ‘Grand Theft Hummus.’