CANBERRA—In a bold affirmation of globalized incompetence, the Albanese government has lauded its decision to award lucrative immigration detention contracts to Management and Training Corporation (MTC), a company best known for its performance art interpretation of human rights.

MTC, a multi-national private prison firm with an impressive portfolio of ICE detainee complaints, will now lend its ineffable touch to both Australia’s offshore Nauru facilities and Donald Trump’s much-anticipated 2025 ‘Operation Kids in Cages 2: This Time With More Cages.’

“We believe best practices are best when they’re worst,” said government spokesperson Braden Tinsley, while touring a freshly assembled razor-wire art installation at Nauru. “MTC’s dedication to the delicate balance of cost-cutting and soul-crushing is exactly what we look for in a partner.”

MTC CEO Cynthia Sprawl eagerly described the company’s approach as “the seamless fusion of American neglect with uniquely Australian bureaucracy,” adding, “We’re honored to have our signature blend of disinterest and malfunction recognized on two continents.”

Human rights observer Glenda Peebles expressed cautious optimism. “On the bright side, at least detainees may develop a sense of worldliness while being mistreated. It’s an international experience.”

The Albanese government insists the move is about efficiency. “Why train a new company to ignore complaints when we can import world-class expertise?” Tinsley explained, noting that all humanitarian feedback would be reviewed quarterly by a committee of outsourced spreadsheets.