SYDNEY—In a powerful display of athletic unity, over 60 prominent Australian sports figures have jointly called on Prime Minister Anthony Albanese to launch a sweeping royal commission into antisemitism, radicalisation, terror attacks, and literally anything else deemed ‘bad vibes’ by elite athletes.

The open letter, signed by sporting icons such as Lleyton Hewitt, Ian Thorpe, Jessica Fox, and Michael Clarke, insists that “the events at Bondi are a national crisis, but so is anything vaguely unsettling.” The letter pushes for an unprecedented inquiry into all forms of unpleasantness, citing the unique experience of athletes in large stadiums as proof of their expertise in national security.

“We’ve spent our careers dodging flying balls and questionable umpire calls,” explained former cricket captain Michael Clarke. “Who better to investigate terrorism than people who’ve survived post-match press conferences?”

Tennis legend Hewitt stressed the urgency: “If we don’t act now, antisemitism could sweep through the nation like a rogue serve. I say, ‘Come on, mate!’”

Canoeist Jess Fox added, “In these turbulent times, only a royal commission can help us navigate choppy waters—preferably with a paddle and a gold medal.”

A government spokesperson welcomed the letter, stating, “It’s heartening to see our athletic elite stepping up to solve complex social issues, since actual experts keep asking for ‘funding’ and ‘research.’”

At press time, the athletes were reportedly preparing a second letter demanding a royal commission into the persistent hot dog shortage at stadium kiosks.