LONDON—Despite a recent flurry of encouraging economic indicators, the UK’s national mood has stubbornly refused to budge from its post-pandemic malaise, according to data released this week by the Office for National Statistics (ONS).

The ONS’s Personal Wellbeing Survey, which scientifically measures how much you can be bothered, revealed that 65% of Britons still rate their existence somewhere between ‘grim’ and ‘can’t complain, but will anyway.’ National GDP per person has improved since 2021, but according to the ONS, this has failed to translate into an increase in ‘general pep.’

“We tried everything—raising GDP, lowering inflation, even putting more Greggs sausage rolls on the market,” said Sir Malcolm Drizzle, Undersecretary for National Vibes. “But the average Brit continues to look out at the drizzle and sigh contentedly into their microwaved beans.”

Local life satisfaction enthusiast, Linda Crumplebottom of Grimsby, said she noticed the change immediately. “There’s more money about, but my neighbor still complains if I whistle after 8pm. What’s the point?”

Government officials have now launched an emergency review into whether turning the sun on for three consecutive days or piping in uplifting ‘80s synth pop at bus stops may help shift the needle. “Honestly, we even considered a national bring-your-dog-to-work scheme, but the Corgi Union threatened industrial action,” ONS spokesperson Penny Bleak added.

The report concludes: ‘In summary, the British public remains thoroughly unfussed, regardless of circumstances.’