Big Daddy's Truth Factory

Broncos Confident Backup QB Who Last Threw NFL Pass in Obama Administration Ready for Pressure Cooker AFC Championship

DENVER—As the Denver Broncos prepare for Sunday’s AFC Championship game, the team’s hopes rest on the arm of backup quarterback Chad Kipling, a man whose last meaningful NFL activity involved holding a clipboard and occasionally Gatorade for Peyton Manning in 2014. Kipling, 35, last threw a pass in a competitive NFL contest when streaming live video meant using Vine, and ‘deflategate’ was the league’s biggest controversy.

Despite his extended on-field sabbatical, Broncos head coach Vic Farnsworth expressed “complete faith” in Kipling’s ability to find game rhythm after 721 days of not throwing a football in public. “Chad has been invaluable to us on the sideline—his hand-warming technique is second to none. Honestly, it’s like having Tom Brady’s gloves in a guy’s body,” Farnsworth said. “He’ll do fine so long as the Patriots don’t pick up on his favorite play: the quick spike.”

Kipling, who reportedly spent the last two seasons running a successful dog-walking startup and selling essential oils at farmer’s markets, says he’s “excited to remember what a helmet feels like.” “I’ve been mentally preparing for this moment by watching YouTube highlights and playing a lot of Madden 2016,” Kipling told reporters, squinting at his playbook. “I think I remember most of the rules.”

Wide receiver Jerry McCracken, asked about his chemistry with Kipling, replied, “We’ve texted a couple times, and I think he once threw me my car keys, so we’re good.”

The NFL confirmed the game will proceed as scheduled, but have arranged an on-site CPR team “just in case anyone has a Y2K-style fit of nostalgia.”

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Buck Mulligan

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