NAPLES, ITALY—In a bold move that industry analysts are calling “a natural step in vertical integration,” the Contini clan of the Camorra has allegedly transformed San Giovanni Bosco Hospital into the region’s most innovative single-stop crimeplex, offering fake car crashes, corpse transport, and premium insurance fraud under one convenient roof.

“We wanted to streamline the customer experience,” said alleged hospital CEO and part-time mobster Enzo “The Stretcher” Romano, seen giving a tour of the hospital’s new Express Check-Out Morgue. “Now you can stage a fender bender, get patched up, and transport your Uncle Luigi to his final destination, all before your parking validation expires.”

Police say the scheme involved wheeling deceased patients out on oxygen-masked stretchers to give the impression of life, in what prosecutors are calling “the most animated corpses since Weekend at Bernie’s.” Sources close to the operation claim that surviving family members were offered discount ambulance rides, with frequent-flyer punch cards and a complimentary cannoli on the fifth corpse transfer.

“Honestly, I don’t know why more hospitals don’t offer this level of service,” said local insurance adjuster Paolo Fiaschi, who reportedly lost his voice from shouting, “THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!” over Zoom calls. “It’s a shame more businesses don’t respect tradition.”

When reached for comment, hospital spokesperson Maria DiLorenzo assured the public: “Patient care always comes first. Unless the patient is dead, in which case there’s a surcharge.”