BEIJING—In a gesture of sheer economic efficiency, officials at China’s Ministry of Superlative Achievements announced Thursday that the nation’s 2025 trade surplus has hit an unprecedented $1 trillion, prompting Beijing to offer a straightforward solution: purchase the rest of the world outright and handle distribution directly.

“We noticed the growing anxiety about over-reliance on Chinese goods,” said Deputy Minister Lin Qiang at a press briefing, flanked by a wall-sized spreadsheet. “So, to simplify things, China humbly proposes to buy every major economy in installments. Think of it as one-click global shopping.”

Despite former President Trump’s vow to redirect American orders to alternative markets like Rural Vermont and Outer Mongolia, Chinese factories reportedly celebrated their biggest quarter yet by shipping 17 million tons of air fryers and Bluetooth-enabled umbrella hats to South America in a single week.

“The US tariffs are cute, but we just sold 400 million smartwatches to the Republic of Chad,” said Yang “The Deal Machine” Weng, CEO of BargainGalaxy Corp. “Our new slogan is ‘Trade Surplus? More Like Trade Surplus-size!’”

International markets reacted with a mixture of awe and resignation. “If you can’t beat ’em, just keep buying their knock-off sneakers,” sighed EU Trade Commissioner Rachel von Weiss. “At this point, we’re all basically shopping at One Giant Mall.”

Chinese officials remain optimistic for 2026. “If current trends continue, we’ll be able to throw in the Arctic for free,” Lin promised. “We might even start exporting prosperity itself, pending regulatory approval.”